I haven’t driven up here since I crashed. I forgot how nice it was to just sit here and unwind. I really needed to just chill out and ready myself for the great day ahead of me. I miss him a lot, although I haven’t cried much since the day he left. I know he’ll be back though.

I really miss him today

I’m just lying in bed holding one of his jackets [he left all his stuff here while he’s gone] and I just..I’m completely restless now. I feel like taking a morning drive, I need to clear my head. I have a great day ahead of me, but I’m just in a bit of a slump. ahhhhhhhhh

honestly

I don’t even check the depression, cutting, self harm, or psychosis tags anymore. it’s a part o f my life that will always be there of course, and when I was at my lowest, it was supporting to post on it and go through it knowing that I’m not alone. But now that I’m [mostly] recovered, I feel like I’d be dwelling on it if I kept tracking it. once in a while i’ll post in the self harm tag if only to update how long it’s been since I’ve last cut or if I’m just having a bad night,but I think of it as a vacation, or revisiting an old place that was like a second home. 

out of sight, out of mind?

 maybe it’s because I haven’t fallen in love with you [oh god I shouldn’t jynx it] the fact that I just like you a lot scares the shit out of me. I dream of you every night, and while I don’t remember the dreams, I feel your presence, telling me that you were here in some sort of form. I wonder, does the fact that I can’t talk to you or see you make me like you less? I know I’m not that shallow a person, but I suppose the fact that I’m not in love with you yet keeps some of my sanity in touch. This keeps me safe, and I wonder if I will still have feelings for you when you come back. whenever I don’t see you for a while my feelings go away, but sure enough when you walk back into my life again they start up. You will never know about these feelings though, because I have grown out of ruining things with people with my feelings. I am completely fine with leaving things as they are between us, cause our bond is something I DO NOT want to ruin or make awkward. We say I love you a lot and in what way I mean it is not 100% certain to me, but I do love you in some sort of form, as a friend I definitely love you, which is why I say it, but I wonder, just to what extent does my “I love you” go?

huh.

I miss you still, and it’s been a month since you left and about 7[if I’m lucky] and 9 months [come the worst] til you come back. I don’t miss you as intensely as I did when you first left, as I’m adapting to not being around you literally 24/7..I guess what I mean is, I’m used to you being gone and not being able to talk to you,since your military hasn’t let you on a computer or phone yet.

oh god,when you do come back..I’ll be so used to you being gone, then I’ll start to feel all intensely again and have such strong feelings again and they’ll overflow and lklg;s;ldfksfjg all my logic will go out the window and I’ll drown in my emotions. it’s fucking scary, but I can’t deny that it feels good. seeing you again will cause my sanity to go through the window, again. then when you have to leave again, I’ll go through this whole cycle. oh boy. lkdfgksds it’s not your fault of course, I’m just preparing myself for the emotional roller coaster I’m gonna go through in the next 2 years.

あんたの間の上がもんだいじゃなくて、しかしおまえこそだ。

Literally one month ago

Me and you were on my bed (as I am on right now typing this on my phone)
No, we didn’t sleep and
No, we didn’t do anything that suggests otherwise, but you know what? It was fucking wonderful. We can literally stay up and out all night doing and talking about anything. I haven’t connected with anyone like that in a long ass time and now that we’ve gotten so damned close, somewhere in the line my logic took a step down and I went with what I had been feeling since last year December. We spent 5 days together, since you left on the 6th morning(fucking itinerary) and its almost been a month since you’ve left a month since we last held eachother a month since I kissed your lips and a month since I’ve just plain saw your face or talked to you. I’m slowly filling my days with things, but with each day of the week I remember exactly what we did on that day of that far away month ago and I remember it well. I curse my good memory sometimes. if I didn’t still have my logic I think I would still be bawling everyday. I’m starting to slowly get used to your absence, but I know as soon as you come back to me and we do this all again, I will surely start to fall again. Waking up to you, spending my day with you, and falling asleep to your senseless ramblings, I’ll go back into the routine all too well. It’s a sick torture, but it’s sweet. Very bittersweet.

ah i cried last night.

The tiniest bit, nothing compared to when you first left, but crying for me is a big deal..ahhhhhh, I fucking miss you. Your fucking stuff is all over the place and I like it, but at the same time, it’s fragments of us. baaaaaah

sooo day 1 with no cigs

I’m mostly doing this cause I’ve had the most nastiest cough this week and I want to see how long it’ll take to go away without smoking. If I have my new car by the time the cough subsides then I guess this might be me quitting. seriously, coughing 24/7 with blood in my phlegm? not cool.

anoyone know how to drive stickshift?

My new car may be a 5speed…is it hard? reallyyyyy hard? how long did it take you and what was the hardest part? how sad that my name is a car and I don’t know how to drive stick yet. lkjfgk;lgskdjfg my mom and dad learned stickshift in a day at the ages of 11 and 16….I’m sadness right now.

im reading our skype chat history from the past half year

shiiiiiiiiiiiit it’s so long and i remember every conversation ahhhhhhh fuck i need better things to fill my days..I’m workin on it..progress seems to take a while for me,hah..fuckimissyousomuchshit

prettydrunk

ohhhh boy…..god the alcohol is leaving me and I’m tired and shivering. can we just share the bed again and talk about nothing in particular? shit idk what i miss more,you or my car.shit. so coldddddddddddd

so i was right after all. things were going too good for me so naturally, I had to go and fuck them up in typical “me” style. sigh, nothing is meant to go right for me and it’s all my fault.

i know i fucked up

but that doesn’t  mean you have to drag me through the dirt. it makes me feel like I shouldn’t have lived at all.