Literally one month ago

Me and you were on my bed (as I am on right now typing this on my phone)
No, we didn’t sleep and
No, we didn’t do anything that suggests otherwise, but you know what? It was fucking wonderful. We can literally stay up and out all night doing and talking about anything. I haven’t connected with anyone like that in a long ass time and now that we’ve gotten so damned close, somewhere in the line my logic took a step down and I went with what I had been feeling since last year December. We spent 5 days together, since you left on the 6th morning(fucking itinerary) and its almost been a month since you’ve left a month since we last held eachother a month since I kissed your lips and a month since I’ve just plain saw your face or talked to you. I’m slowly filling my days with things, but with each day of the week I remember exactly what we did on that day of that far away month ago and I remember it well. I curse my good memory sometimes. if I didn’t still have my logic I think I would still be bawling everyday. I’m starting to slowly get used to your absence, but I know as soon as you come back to me and we do this all again, I will surely start to fall again. Waking up to you, spending my day with you, and falling asleep to your senseless ramblings, I’ll go back into the routine all too well. It’s a sick torture, but it’s sweet. Very bittersweet.

“When we talk I can’t say anything that I can’t hide from anyone.”
I, The Skyline…,”Why Are You Driving a Prius?”

this sadness just

flusters inside me with no positive way of getting out. I’ve started to regress the tiniest bit because I’ve started to think that I deserve everything bad that happens to me. I think that I deserve this again, when some far away sane part of me tries to tell me I don’t. A blade would’ve solved this easily, and cleared the static in my brain, but I swear I’m not that person anymore. everything just escalates and I don’t know how much longer my sanity will hold. 

so i was right after all. things were going too good for me so naturally, I had to go and fuck them up in typical “me” style. sigh, nothing is meant to go right for me and it’s all my fault.

slept all day with your jacket, let the other one dry out because I was in the rain all night watching my car get pulled out of the wreckage. It brought me back to better times when you were here and I wasn’t fucking up my car on tantalus. oddly enough, it STILL smells like you after getting drenched. I don’t know whether to be sad or glad about that. the appraisal said my car was too wrecked, so we’re just cashing it out to get some money for a new car. Looking for a new car to drive and actually being ALLOWED to drive it are two completely different stories. I’m such a dumbass

I don’t want to clean my room.

I’ve been out of the house for about 15 hours, because I didn’t want to go home, be alone and deal with all these remnants. i really don’t want to  be home anymore, or for a while, but I can’t run from my own home, that’d just be ridiculous right?

I came home, and everyone was asleep, it was the quietest this house has been in a week. I walked into my room, and it smells like him. I’m a real masochist at heart, huh? Doing this to myself,letting the epitome of my feelings stay with me for a week, only to deal with my own carnage later. with any little flashback, my eyes sting with tears, I can’t even sit here in my room, with all his stuff everywhere, left and right. but at the same time I just can’t bring myself to clean it all up, to put it all away, lock it up for the next 8-10 months. 

I just can’t escape this.

Cried

Walking to my car, puked in the parking lot and regained enough composure to drive, cried on the freeway, on the street roads and now back in a parking lot crying. I miss you so much already that I’m so scared, so scared of what I’ll do. I knew it was coming, but I never prepared. I didn’t know it’d hurt this much. You’re not even mine, and I’m fine with that, I just I don’t know, what we have is fine with me, your mere presence elates me, elevates me, I guess you could say you make me happy. But I just didn’t think I cared this much. I didn’t wanna let you go, I guess it’s best that you forced yourself to leave, hugging me no longer from the front but behind, cause I told you not to look at me. You turned back at me one last time, ruffling my hair, smiling and telling me you’ll be back. It took all I had to turn and walk away, with neither of us looking back.

I just can’t do this right now.

it is friday the 13th, 2012.

friday the 13th 2011, I spent getting molested and nearly raped. fun,right? I got rushed to the ER for a panic attack and didn’t remember a thing until I was in a hospital robe. Doctors didn’t want me to be alone. in fear that I’d commit suicide. it was the most difficult weekend of my life. I barely ate, and draped my room in blankets where there were reflective surfaces, I refused to look at myself since I was so ashamed. I soon got diagnosed with ptsd and psychotic depression, given pills and therapy and all that good stuff. fast forward 11 months, and here I am, with a little more scars than i had a year ago and also a little more experience and confidence in myself. it’s been a hard journey,but a worthwhile one in the end. I’ve come a long way.

the more time goes by the more I wonder,”what’s wrong with me?” 

it’s been a while since i’ve felt like this

so please bare with me and my pity party tonight..I’m my old self…at least for tonight. maybe I still do need my pills after all. all my friends have bright futures and  someone to share them with,and me? well, I’ve got my bottles of pills.

I drove to tantalus

a popular lookout here in Hawaii [has a nice view of the mountains and the city] I looked out at the night sky and the far away city off in the distance, it’s usually really pretty to look at, but tonight I just felt so small. so insignificant, such a petty feeling. There were tourists, snapping photos, couples huddled up on the wall, sitting and looking out at their lovely view..and me, ever so isolated. I’ve been pretty self sufficient and dependent lately, and I’ve been pretty happy. Good thing right? But deep down, there’s always gonna be that void where someone..something should go and complete me, some kind of fulfilling puzzle piece that I just can’t have. That I haven’t had in a while and that seems to just miss coming my way. I just wanted to get out of my car and jump out of the cliff, spread my arms out, and fly over the edge. falling or flying, I’d never know the difference, and I’d just…end it. I smoked a cigarette and listened to music to hate myself with[how great right].. then I drove back down the hill, slowly home, dreading the shower that would come. I didn’t relapse, I just held a little  pity party via my bathroom floor..wishing I could relapse. I know I’m perfectly capable of depending on myself and making myself happy, and as a girlfriend I wouldn’t be half bad..but I guess there’s just nothing, no one, nada, zip, zero for me out there. Is there really nothing out there for me? am I meant to just die alone like this? cause if so, tell me while I’m ahead.

i just feel like banging my head and arms and hands against a wall screaming and pulling my hair out all at the same time. i feel like im drowning in some unknown rage, probably triggered by self-hatred that’s bottled up inside me the past 19 weeks. 

“This is why we can’t have nice things”, says cecelia  into my brain.

Because you’re

tainted

dirty

broken

used

stupid

useless

and worthless.

eh why not

[x] fears of abandonment 

[x ] experienced sexual violation

[x] experienced verbal abuse

[] experienced physical abuse

[x] experienced sexual abuse 

[] been bullied

[x] self-hate

[x] self-harm: cutting

[] self- Harm: burning

[x] self-Harm: hitting

[] self-harm: other

[x] Suicidal thoughts

[] Attempted suicide

[] One biological parent was absent from the majority of your life

[] You lived in a split household

[] You were adopted

[] You had a serious childhood illness

[x] You have undergone mental trauma

[x] Your family fought 

[ ] Your grew up in an impoverished area

[ ] Your family was in poverty when you were a child

[x] You have/had an eating disorder or are recovering/recovered

[] You’ve looked at thinspo in order to motivate you to lose weight

[x] You’ve tried starving yourself

[ ] You are/were an alcoholic.

[ ] You have/had a sexual addiction.

[x] You have/had a self-harm addiction.

[x] You have/had a different addiction.

[] You have had no friends at one point in your life.

[x] You’ve been lonely.

[x] You feel alone in the world.

[] You have social anxiety.

[x] You’ve experienced dissociation.

[ ] You have a diagnosed dissociative disorder.

[ ] You may have an undiagnosed dissociative disorder.

[] You’ve tried drugs.

[] You’ve never drank.

[] You’ll never drink.

[x] You drink occasionally.

[x ] You drink socially.

[ ] You drink seriously.

[x] You smoke.

[ ] You chew tobacco.

[ ] You quit smoking tobacco.

[ ] You have a diagnosed personality disorder.

[ ] You may have an undiagnosed personality disorder.

[] You have phobias.

[] You may have undiagnosed phobias.

[x] You have/had depression.

[ ] You feel you have anger problems.

[x] You have seen a therapist/counselor.

[x] You have a hard time trusting others.

[] You’ve been in a minor car accident.

[ ] You’ve been in a serious car accident.

[] You are Catholic. 

[ ] You are Muslim.

[ ] You are Jewish.

[ ]  You are Wiccan.

[ ] You are agnostic.

[x] You are atheist.